One-hundred people unknowingly consumed an assortment of pastries laced with various drugs that were sold as a part of a bake sale put on at Bakersfield College on April 1. Also sold at the bake sale was lemonade spiked with alcohol.

Investigations are under way to find out which table at the bake sale sold the desserts. The pastries were sold for $2 each and the lemonade for $1. First reports of drug trips were not made known until the 100 cupcakes had been sold.

“I bought a cupcake made with marijuana at about 11 a.m., right before my philosophy class,” said Eric Newton, business major. “It kicked in about 30 minutes into the class. I didn’t know what was going on, just that the topic was more interesting than usual, and I was really hungry. That first tipped me off that something was wrong because I don’t usually pay much attention in that class, but after I ate the cupcake, the class was riveting . I actually started crying as we were talking about existentialism. It made me rethink my entire life.”

Students were not the only victims of this pastry switcheroo. Professor Shmevin Shmolmes and BC President Shmegg Shamberlain also unknowingly ate some drug cupcakes.

“I ate a lemon bar during my lecture and the next thing I knew, I was building onto the classroom,” said Shmolmes. “I pulled a leg of the desk off to bang through the wall, but then I realized my head was bigger, so I used that instead.”

Angela Stanley, a liberal arts major and a student in the classroom at the time, called 911 before the situation could get too far out of hand. It was determined that the lemon bars were powdered with PCP, which would explain Shmolmes’ behavior.

“He just kept shouting, ‘WE GOTTA GET MORE KIDS IN HERE!!!! EVERYONE’S GOTTA KNOW ABOUT THIS NEW DESK TAX!!!!'” said Stanley. “When his head started bleeding, I called 911, but by the time they got there, he was long gone.”

Everyone involved in the sale insists they have no knowledge of how this could have happened. An investigation will look into the situation, but Sgt. Shmris Shmounts of Bakersfield College’s Department of Public Safety encourages the culprit to step forward.

“We will find out who is responsible for this. The punishment will be less severe if the person comes forward,” Shmounts said.

While some victims were horrified, others were grateful.

“I feel like I ripped them off!” said Emmett Black, physics major, who bought a cookie with acid.

“I would have gladly paid more than $2 for that trip. I’d actually love to get the guy’s number for next time.”