If there’s one thing I enjoy more than Neil Diamond, it’s a Neil Diamond tribute band.

And of all the Neil Diamond tribute bands I’ve heard, and I’ve only heard this one, Super Diamond was the worst. While watching, I thought, “Neil Diamond is rolling over in his grave right now.” And yes, he’s actually still alive.

Perhaps I’m being a tad harsh. Super Diamond, the band that performed at the end of the annual Bakersfield Business Conference, was good entertainment if, like me, you like to heckle performers from the crowd. Because really, that’s what bands like Super Diamond set themselves up to be: Campy and fun, but also there to make us laugh and talk our grandmothers into throwing their panties onstage (and hopefully they’ll take them off first).

I’m not so sure if lead singer Randy Cordeiro, “The Surreal Neil,” quite lived up to the expectation of performing like the “Real Neil.” Those who said his voice sounds exactly like Neil Diamond had a flaky argument, since not even Neil Diamond sounds like the “real” Neil Diamond anymore. And why couldn’t Borton, Petrini & Conron, the legal firm that puts on the big shindig, just actually get Neil Diamond to perform? What, is he too busy singing commercial jingles in some Mariott Hotel lobby?

The event went from, “Oh my God, it’s really Rudy Giuliani!” to “Hey, that’s not Neil Diamond!” (But if you are far away and squint hard enough, Cordeiro still does not look anything like Neil Diamond.)

All of the members said their last name was Diamond when introducing themselves to the audience, like The Ramones, only dumber. They were dressed in sequined shirts and tight black pants, and seemed to be enjoying themselves a little too much, considering they’ve dedicated their musical career to a man who is closer to Glen Campbell, the “Rhinestone Cowboy,” than the “Man in Black,” Johnny Cash. At one point, Cordeiro announced, “We’re gonna do this Bakersfield style,” whereupon the bass player put on a pair of sunglasses and imitated fat Elvis.

Now if pretending to be Neil Diamond is sick and wrong, pretending to be Elvis, extra pounds especially, was outright blasphemy. I was ready to jump on stage and beat the living non-creativity out of the guy since I actually prefer fat Elvis musically over young Elvis.

And what does fat Elvis have to do with Bakersfield? Was he recently spotted at Pop’s Drive-In drinking a jumbo cookies-and-cream milk shake? You’d think people would leave him alone, considering the poor guy croaked on the john and has been dead for years. Performing “Holly Holy” is one thing. Messing with The King is reason for cruel and unusual punishment.

I will make a confession, however. While watching Mr. Entertainment and Co. onstage, I realized there are quite a few Neil Diamond songs besides “Sweet Caroline” and “Cracklin’ Rosie” which I know the lyrics to and secretly enjoy. Those songs shall remain nameless, but it’s not “Forever in Blue Jeans,” I swear. While I wasn’t motivated to buy a Super Diamond CD, I was thinking about picking up a Neil Diamond greatest hits collection on my way home from the event.

I do have to give the band some credit, though. Anyone who can look you straight in the face and say, “I’m a Neil Diamond impersonator” and not break down in tears deserves some recognition. Even though the singer sounded suspiciously more like Marilyn Manson than Neil Diamond at times (death rock Neil Diamond, anyone?), he has fun.

Still, if there’s one thing that breaks my heart, and at the same time tickles me, more than seeing someone make a fool out of themselves, it’s when they do it and aren’t even aware of it.

Especially when they’re wearing sequins.