Mark Russell didn’t waste any time insulting Bakersfield when he walked onstage.

“I got up today to read a copy of your local newspaper, The Bakersfield Californian,” he said Oct. 12 at the Bakersfield Business Conference. “I read today’s issue of The Bakersfield Californian cover to cover. It was the most riveting minute-and-a-half I’ve ever spent.”

He also performed “O Bakersfield” to the tune of “O Christmas Tree” on the piano, with lyrics such as “The whole town fits inside a tent / George Martin is the government / Nine thousand here and I would bet / That’s all the votes Bill Simon gets.”

But instead of being offended, the audience roared with laughter. Russell was off to an insulting but entertaining start.

Bakersfield wasn’t his only target, however. The political satirist poked fun at many people and told a story of President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney eating at a restaurant.

“The waitress said to Bush, ‘What will you have?’ He said, ‘I’ll have a quickie.’ She said, ‘A what?’ He said, ‘A quickie.’ She said, ‘That’s disgusting. I expected something like that from Bill Clinton, but not from you.’ She walks away in anger, whereupon Cheney says to Bush, ‘That’s quiche.’ ”

The president seemed to be a favorite topic for Russell, as he told the audience that thankfully the Constitution was prepared for what would would happen in Florida during the last presidential election.

“In the event that a presidential election is hopelessly deadlocked in one state,” Russell said in a voice imitating a founding father, “And one of the candidate’s brother is the governor of that state, the president will be chosen by the governor’s mother.”

He even told the audience of what would happen if the president was a Democrat.

“And the beauty of our system is, if George W. Bush was a Democrat, the Republicans would think he was dumb.”

And just because Bill Clinton is no longer in office does not mean he went unscathed. Russell discussed the various pardons made by Clinton in the last hours of his term, including billionaire Mark Rich, whose wife, Denise Rich, gave $1.3 million to the Democratic Party.

“And that brought up the question of quid pro quo, was something expected in return for the money with pro quo, which is Latin for, ‘Holy crap, what a coincidence!’ ”

Russell also told the audience about New York’s reaction to Hillary Clinton’s decision to run for Senate.

“In New York, they had bumper stickers that said, ‘Run, Hillary, run!’ And they were on the front bumper.”

He also spoke of the recent Enron scandal.

“I don’t care how innocent you are,” he said. “If you are a white guy in a suit with your hands in the air taking the Fifth Amendment, you’re gonna look as innocent as Tony Soprano, for God’s sake.”

Another topic he spoke of is recent security measures after Sept. 11.

“What nobody likes to talk about is that most the people in the airport who fit the profile (of a terrorist) are the security people themselves.”