Trigger Warning // mention of abuse, suicide, and self-harm
I have talked about this briefly before, but I felt like this needed to be readdressed. When I moved back in with my father, at the age of 15, I put myself back into the metaphorical closet. That was the only thing I could do considering he turned into an extreme Christian while I was away.
I was happy to be living with him again because, prior to that, I was verbally and physically abused for being gay by my guardian at the time. I was always told that what I was feeling was not real, and if I tried to argue with my guardian, she would hit me or do anything to assert her dominance.
When that first started, I would fight back, but it got to a point where I did not see the point of trying to win. I became extremely depressed, my anxiety started up, and I just felt worthless. I experienced two different failed attempts at suicide. I do not want to trigger myself or anyone reading this, so I will not go into too much detail. My sister found me both times passed out in my room because of what I did.
When I woke up and realized it did not work, I broke down. Not because I was happy to be alive, but more so because of disappointment that it did not work. Surprisingly, I never put myself back into the closet no matter how much trauma I experienced until I was with my father. When I moved in with him, I came with a busted lip, a black eye, and cuts on my arm.
Of course, he asked me what happened, but I only told him part of the story. Honestly, as time passed and I knew living with him was the safest and best decision, I started to be fine with hiding the fact that I was gay from him and everyone I surrounded myself with. I was openly gay at my school as well as on social media.
I was so happy to have friends that supported me, but I trusted the wrong person and that was my downfall. That “friend” outed me to an adult that I was very close to from the church we attend. I have discussed this situation before so I will not bore you with details again. Even though I was outed by someone else again a few months ago, I did not ask for help to change who I am.
I still struggle with depression and anxiety, but I am more myself now than I have ever been in my life. I realize now how fortunate I am to be alive because a lot of the young LGBTQ+ see suicide as the only way out.
“Without giving patient information out, a lot of my clients have been in similar situations as yourself. About 75% of my young LGBT clients suffer from depression and anxiety. It is more common to my LGBT clients than it is my heterosexual clients,” licensed psychologist, Gina M. Garbell, said.
I know things may seem hard, and the number of times that I wanted to give up on myself was a lot. Just know that you have a whole community of people who will help you and support. You are worthy, you are valid, and you are loved.