Most of us remember the good old days when Ozzy Osbourne was rock ‘n’ roll’s Prince of Darkness, biting the heads off of bats and doves, and inspiring hordes of young children everywhere to worship Satan. Now, he can’t even work his TV remote.

Such is the beauty of MTV’s “The Osbournes,” a show that ushers us into the lives of the reigning first family of rock, and is the best example I’ve ever seen of why it’s never a good idea to take that many drugs.

Airing Tuesday nights at 10:30 p.m., the idea is wickedly hilarious, a reality show based on the shenanigans of Osbourne, his wife Sharon, and their two youngest teen-agers, Jack and Kelly. This may sound like “The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet,” but trust me, I don’t recall the Nelsons ever using the “F” word that often.

Needless to say, there is no Opie, Aunt Bee or any signs of living in Mayberry anywhere in the picture. A plaque outside their plush Beverly Hills mansion reads “The Osbourne Institute of Rock,” and indeed, this could not be the family of anyone but a rock star, putting the “fun” back in “dysfunctional.”

Ozzy is a completely incoherent mess, which is why he is so damn funny. He ambles around the house, attempting to use common household appliances and then calls for help to his wife when he realizes just how helpless he truly is. It’s apparent that Sharon, who coincidently also is his manager and probably the real reason he still has a lustrous career, is the one who really wears the leather pants in this family because Ozzy’s brain is so fried he probably can’t remember how to even put his pants on anymore.

Still, he is the true star of the show. He is probably the only other person alive (with the exception of a few drunken sailors) who says the “F” word as much as I do, although his accent sometimes makes you wish the show used subtitles. Some of the show’s funniest moments involve him in ordinary everyday situations. For instance, many people work out at home, but few do while listening to their own record and wearing a shirt that reads “Hippie Killer.” (That’s right, Ozzy, and Charlie sure as hell doesn’t surf.) What’s even more hilarious is when he acts like he’ll defy his wife, refusing to do two concerts in two nights, but is too scrambled to care that he is indeed whipped and we see him onstage the next night thanking the crowd.

The show never has a dull moment, with constant bickering, cursing, barking and foot-stomping going on. The kids are ridiculously spoiled, inviting loud friends over at all hours of the night and using fake IDs to get into clubs. The “Family Meetings” often result in pouting, shouting and lots of storming out, oftentimes from the parents. They are as chaotic as my own family, except richer and with a litter of tiny, adorable dogs that walk wherever they want and do their business wherever they want.

Despite all of this, I wouldn’t mind being the Osbournes’ neighbor (Ozzy has said that the best neighbor they’ve ever had was Pat Boone because he left them the hell alone), although the feeling in Beverly Hills isn’t as positive. This could be perhaps because Sharon and Ozzy throw things, including bagels, at the house next door when they are kept awake by loud techno music, and thus possibly interfering with whatever creative musical processes or blood rituals they are in the midst of. Or maybe it’s because they are the kind of family I would like to see settle in Bakersfield. I know I would definitely invite them over for tea and crumpets.

What’s surprising about the show is that it’s more interesting than “The Real World” but probably provides a bigger challenge for any ordinary person than “Survivor” of making it out alive. We get to see that Ozzy really isn’t the devil, just a regular dad who knows he isn’t a perfect role model for his kids and can’t work a VCR. And while the family may not be the stereotypical American dream, there is still love between them not involving sacrificing chickens, goats or babies. The show doesn’t try to make them look outrageously normal or abnormal, it just let’s us know what kind of lives they lead.

And watching them is one bloody hell of a good time.