For those pagans who celebrated Valentine’s Day last Friday, you now have either another year to bask in the warm glow of your love for another, or re-enact repeatedly in your head all of the things you did wrong.
While Feb. 14 is considered to be the most romantic day of the year, it also is a ruthless consumer ritual composed of rules which no sane person (mostly myself and the majority of the male population) can understand (except the majority of the female population) simply because they make no sense.
So for those who screwed up their Valentine’s Day, the following are some guidelines to ensure that next year either your pillow-talk partner will slip into something “more comfortable” and bark like a dog, or you will come to the realization that it’s better to swear off all human contact and stuffed teddy bears forever.
Rule No. 1: The gift tells all
This stupid, shallow rule is truer for women than men because more females get distracted by very expensive, shiny objects. Personally, I enjoy the classic stuffed kitties, chocolate or red roses combination, but some girls consider these “trinkets” to be the side dish to the main course: jewelry. If you show up with a stuffed lion that dances to the tune of “Wild Thing,” she will promptly tell you where to stick it.
Females are strange creature I know because not only am I one (sort of), I also dislike most of them as well.
To her, the value of the gift could also equal the value of your love. Get something thoughtful and you’ll be Prince Charming for the night. Accidentally go astray and you’ll be in the dog house, with no one but yourself to lick.
Rule No. 2: Think nookie
If the first rule is for the girls, than this one is for the boys (and if this sounds sexist, it probably is, but it’s also true, so get over it). It may seem crude and disgusting to play nice so you’ll get some action after dinner, but that’s how some minds work.
If a roll in the hay is worth wearing a plastic smile the entire night, then go for it. Just remember, girls are the masters of playing mind games, and they’ll probably know exactly what you’re doing and use it to their advantage.
Hopefully, in your quest of getting laid, you won’t make the same stupid mistake David Harris made. Harris’ wife, Clara, caught him cheating on her in the same Houston hotel where they were married in 1992 on Valentine’s Day.
So not only does Harris gain stupid points for going to the same damn hotel he was married in to cheat on his wife, he also scores major death points for being run over by her in her Mercedes-Benz.
Rule No. 3: Setting the mood
In the movies, it’s usually Barry White or Marvin Gaye playing in the background, but I have found that the Doors’ “Not to Touch the Earth” is enough to make you strip down to the nitty-gritty.
Candles, soft lights and champagne over an expensive dinner may turn some people on, but I prefer a night at home with a good, gory horror flick. Atmosphere is really a personal preference, so be careful unless you want it to look like the setting for a really bad porno.
Rule No. 4: Don’t procrastinate
This is really hypocritical of me since I do everything last minute, but try anyway. It’s harder to forget Valentine’s Day than it is an anniversary or birthday (after 19 years my mother still can’t remember the exact day she gave birth to me) because it’s announced nationally.
Nevertheless, every year I see guys lined up in front of street corner vendors selling the baskets of candies and toy gorillas wearing T-shirts saying “I’m Ape for You.” And if you read the first rule, you don’t want to be one of those guys.
Rule No. 5: Remember, it’s a stupid holiday anyway
Let’s face it, this love fest blows whether you’re alone and bitter, or married (and in most cases way more bitter).
But hey, it’s the only night where mixing the mattress lambada and cheap chocolate while stuffed animals watch is not frowned upon.