The Kern County Fair’s happening, so you know what that means. It’s time to quit cutting calories and start shoveling hoards of greasy, gooey and sugary food down your gluttonous faces.
Don’t feel guilty about it. We’ve all been there. We’ve all been wolfing down a couple hot dogs and realized halfway through how gross it looks when we watch that Japanese guy do it on the Fourth of July.
And for the sake of informative opinionated journalism (and because I really have no shame) I did it as well.
I started off my voyeur into the reckless disregard for my own health with a KC fair must-have: a good-ole-fashioned corn dog. I decided to buy the foot-long corn dog at the Hot Dog On A Stick booth because I was feeling a little bit Texas that day. In retrospect, I should’ve just gone with a regular-sized corn dog.
The batter was crispy, yet tender, and blended well with the ketchup and mustard located in giant tubs next to the booth. However, the hot dog inside tasted a little bit chalky, like when you’re camping and you’re too lazy to start a fire, so you just open the pack of Bar-S chicken/turkey/mystery meat and eat away.
I had heard about the deep-fried Twinkie but thought it was just a myth created by people who put lawn furniture in their deep fryers. To my surprise, it was right there at the funnel cake booth, so I just had to check it out.
Surprisingly, I found it to be alright. Crunchy, creamy, it’s all you could ask for with regards to fair food.
Between the Lego architecture exhibits and a free polka band with a geriatric vibe in the audience, I had a hankering for some nachos.
The faux-Mexican villa located near the midway wasn’t open yet, so I went to the Progresista booth instead.
The nachos there were great. It had crispy chips that didn’t come out of a bag and warm cheese that didn’t come out of a pouch. In the words of Forrest Gump, “that’s all I have to say about that.”
The Boy Scout Troop 188 booth shaped like a hat piqued my interest.
There, I ordered the Scout Burger with cheese and the spuds (which were really just fries) with chili. The vegetables tasted fresh and the bun was warm, but the patty was small and a little gristly. However, the chili fries were satisfying, unlike at some booths that stack their fries with so much seasoning salt it gives you whiskey face.
Unfortunately, I could not finish the chili fries. I could eat no more. Fully satiated, I pondered whether or not I should go on a ride and risk losing all of the food I had spent so much money on devouring.
Since 99.9% of the population knows what soda tastes like, I decided to go with something a little bit different when the time came to wet my whistle.
The Pina Colada smoothie from Daiquiri stand was a good choice. Fruity and cold, it was a welcome change to the mundane carbonated beverages I ingest every day. Being very thirsty, I drank faster than I should have and developed a mild case of brain freeze.
Overall, the food was good and didn’t set my pocketbook as far back as I thought it would. If I had a ton more money and a bottomless pit inside my body, I probably would have eaten more.