There is a battle raging on the streets of Bakersfield.

Soccer moms, businessmen, teachers – name any middle-class job category, and it’s likely that it will include some combatants.

It began innocently enough some decades ago. Presumably trying to identify himself as a Christian, some primeval 20th century churchgoer stuck a fish decal on the back of his vehicle. (The fish is an ancient symbol of Christianity.)

This plastic ancestor was extremely primitive, having two tail-like protrusions in the back and lacking internal organs, eyes and a mouth.

They quickly began to evolve, however, and soon there were fish with crosses for eyes, fish with ancient Greek letters inside them and fish containing the word “Christ.”

Then someone made the fateful decision to start a counterfish insurgency. Amidst a sea of cars darting around town with various species glued to them, there appeared a sly variation.

You had to look closely to see it, but it was there. The new fish had legs and the word “Darwin” written on it (Incidentally, Darwin is the scientist credited with the theory of evolution.)

Soon, these too began to multiply, insidiously impersonating the originals.

It was nothing less than a declaration of war. Alarms were sounded. The two camps mobilized for battle.

Christian bookstores were turned into ammunition depots as fish factories churned out decals in a desperate attempt to keep up with demand.

Motorized waves of Christian fish decals hit the streets, overwhelming with sheer numbers the few Darwin fish struggling for survival.

A disturbing trend was now seen: Innocent bystanders, the purchasers of used vehicles who failed to remove the decals, were mistaken for true combatants.

Meanwhile, the Darwin guerrillas fought on, dashing the hopes of hosts of Christian fish bearers who may have thought that victory was a few decals away.

Frustrated by an elusive enemy, they decided to go nuclear.

Bigger, deadlier and more technologically advanced decals began to appear, and the fighting took on a macabre tone.

In a shocking parody of survival of the fittest, piranhalike monsters were now swallowing little Darwin fish whole, the word “Truth” written across their distended bodies. Other Darwin fish were seen belly up, feet pointing at the sky, their eyes crossed out as if they had died in an agony of asphyxiation.

It is reported that there were cases of actual decal sabotage.

Despite this kind of brutality, or perhaps because of it, there seems to be no end to the conflict in sight. Dead, half-eaten and even fully digested Darwin fish litter the roads of Bakersfield, yet one can still see grim holdouts defiantly displaying their decals right side up, balanced precariously on two stubby legs.

There’s no telling what atrocities may be committed next.

So, in the interest of the peace, I am departing from curmudgeonly tradition to call for the cessation of hostilities and the beginning of dialogue.

To those of you who were unaware of the conflict before reading this column, I ask for your help.

And I ask those of you involved in the fighting to consider that, in a post-9/11 world, there may be bigger fish to fry.