I have seen the future for maintaining one’s youth, ladies and ladylike gentlemen, and it is Scotch tape.

All you need to do is take any body part that sags – neck, breast, forehead, and I shudder to think what else – and tape it higher.

“Who would be stupid enough to do that, much less manufacture its prototype?” you may be asking yourself. I’ll tell you who: the makers of Bring It Up, a product which tapes your undesirable sections into a more appealing position.You could probably tape one of your breasts to your forehead and look like a Picasso painting if you wanted.

During one of my impressive bouts of insomnia, I fumbled upon an infomercial for this gaggingly ridiculous idea, and yet one, which goddamn it, I wish I had thought of.

By playing off the sad insecurities of aging women everywhere, I could be rolling around naked in a huge pile of money had I ever thought of combining wrinkles and something you can use to package your mail. Maybe I can fix a drooping ass with a staple gun … It just might work.

The Bring It Up brow, neck and breast lifts are pieces of tape you use to secure your skin into a higher position. They’re supposed to be undetectable to the eye, but even if they were, wouldn’t you feel incredibly stupid knowing you’re wearing disposable tape to hold your cha-chas together?And what if your turkey waddle ever suddenly came loose from its binds during a very important presentation for work? Any sudden moves from you to correct the situation and your forehead and cha-chas are likely to all come tumbling down.

The “Ultimate Lift Gift” kit includes brow, neck and breast lifts, plus an instructional video so you don’t end up taping someone else’s breasts to yours.

It also includes a headband, presumably to hold your hair back when you attach the brow lifts, but I’m not certain. If it’s possible to make a product to tape your eyebrows to your forehead, it’s also possible to make a product that is designed to actually pull your head up and making the back of it (which no one really cares about anyway) appear 20 years younger. It’s a sick, sad world if a person can’t go out in public anymore with the back of their head showing its true age.

This kit costs around $50, which is outrageous when you consider you could do the same job at home with stuff you already have. Anyone who has ever wrapped a Christmas gift already knows the art of taking a shapeless, unappealing wrapper and transforming it into a gift people are proud to shove underneath their tree to have Sparky relieve himself on. There are tricks to stretching the wrapper, and ways of making the tape conceal little flaws and rips. Of course, these same people know it’s not pleasant when you have to rip off a piece of tape from your forearm when you’re wrapping 20 gifts and want to save time by precutting the tape and placing it all over yourself, instead of taking the time to cut each piece individually.

Being beautiful is no easy task, especially when you start looking like a hound dog, but can things actually get so bad that you resort to securing your body with disposable, sticky pieces of plastic?

Unfortunately, I have no time to answer that. I just ran out of Scotch tape.