I am a murderer, a rapist, a child molester, a kidnapper, a stalker, a pervert, a loser who doesn’t pay his child support and a straight out piece of crap. How and why am I all of these things? The Lifetime Network told me so.

The Lifetime Network, the cable channel for women, airs nothing but programming that targets the female population and fires at the male. it features anti-penis television, scheduling one male-hate movie after the next in between reruns of “The Golden Girls” and “The Nanny.”

I usually do my best to surf past the constant story lines of one woman rising against her male oppressor, but my wife will occasionally halt me. After watching the various films, syndicated TV shows and female sitcoms, I have come to a conclusion: Men are scum. Myself included.

I remember watching such films as “The Lies Boys Tell,” “Eye of the Stalker,” “No One Can Protect Her,” “Her Married Lover,” “She’s Too Young,” and “Not Without My Daughter.” All these films depict women being tarnished by men, either by hateful means or by not being there at all.

I was pulled into reoccurring story lines, bad dialogue and worse acting. The films seem to strike a chord in my memory due to the familiar television and movie faces used. The Lifetime Network appears to be providing a sanctuary for washed up and unemployed actresses. There are a few male actors in there, too, but remember, they’re the devil.

Lifetime isn’t just about drama and reruns. They’ve got a new TV show called “Wild Card.” It’s about this plucky, young female detective who solves crimes in her quirky ways. One episode was so realistic, it involved a murder and a psychic. I went online to reminisce with other “Wild Card” enthusiasts. I read postings from all over. One said, “It’s Friday so that means one more day till WILD CARD!! YAY!!!!!”

Another posting talked about how she might miss the new show because she had the inconvenience of celebrating her anniversary with her vagina-abusing husband. I’m not sure he is vagina-abusing but, after all, he’s male.

I have never done anything morally or legally wrong against women. I’m actually the exact opposite, always trying to get my female pals to ditch their loser boyfriends and stand up for themselves.

I strongly believe in women’s rights and have tried to get stronger penalties for sex offenders and spousal abusers, but now I have realized that all men are evil.

Finally, I was able to pull myself away from the TV, just before I started my own menstrual cycle, and came back to reality that not all men are bad or evil.

True, we have done a lot of terrible things, but we’re not alone. A nationwide channel that focuses on women is fine, but if every movie and show depicts a race or gender as the enemy one time after another, it isn’t fine.

I’m all for uplifting people, but if it is at the expense of another than it shouldn’t be done. Besides, if women are this desperate to be entertained that they reduce themselves to bad plot lines and acting, then they should watch soap operas. At least then the sexes are equal.