Being your average broke consumer, I search for deals everywhere I turn. I shop on Ebay.com and Amazon.com so much they’ve become part of my homepage. Naturally, like most people, I’ve been suckered in by the biggest legal scam to ever grace your local, big chain merchant: the mail-in rebate.

I remember the day that I turned from happy discount shopper to confused victim. I went to Best Buy to purchase a laptop for my wife that I had been saving for since last year. I had been searching ad after ad to find a reliable computer that had a decent warranty to go with a good product. I came across an ad that shouted a price of $799, and it came with every port and plug that I needed.

As I got help from the courteous salesperson, who doesn’t work on commission but constantly encouraged me to buy more accessories, I discovered that the price of the laptop was not the $799 I saw, but $1,099. Trying to clear up the confusion, the salesperson assured me that the $799 price was correct, after six mail-in rebates.

I stared at the Best Buy employee as if he just farted the national anthem. I asked what a mail-in rebate was and how does it work. Apparently, big corporations got a great idea that, instead of marking down prices, they would have consumers pay full price and then have customers send in forms to receive a check making up for the mark down.

So I had to pay full price for the laptop and then would have to go through a rigorous process of copying the product’s UPC code and filling out separate forms for each rebate. All the forms were printed out with the receipt but not copies of the barcode. I had to do that on my own. The rebates ranged from $100 and $10 and take eight weeks to process.

After the all the rebates had been sent out, I waited patiently for the cash to come rolling back. Three weeks turned to eight, which turned to 10 and so on. After being extremely patient, I received a letter stating that my rebates were void and could not be processed because I returned the item. Unless my wife had magically pulled an identical laptop out of her ass and returned the other to pocket the cash, a horrible mistake had been made.

I quickly dialed the customer service number on the letter and was told that none of my rebate information was even in their system. I talked with one representative after another until I was given new rebates and had to go through the process all over again. This time I had to include a letter explaining my case and had to fax them over immediately.

Once again, I waited and still my mailbox did not flow with the riches I so hoped for. I called again to see if everything was still in order and there had been some mishap with the case. I was given newer rebates and had to fax all the information all over again. This time I was sure that everything would work out. Unfortunately, the only thing that ever worked out for me was becoming a trophy husband. It’s a sweet deal, but I’ll talk about that later.

History repeated itself, and I still did not get my rebates. I was starting to wonder if the hassle was even worth the trouble. I called to check on my rebate status, and the nice lady on the phone said to call back again in a week. So I did and still they had no record of anything. This time I just simply threatened them with filing a complaint to the Better Business Bureau and hung up.Some people may ask why companies do mail-in rebates in the first place. Well, it’s obvious: Most people won’t bother with it and those who do will be driven insane to the point of constant rambling on public buses.

That homeless person isn’t crazy. He just fell victim to the monster of the mail-in rebate.