The so-called Great Kern County Fair is starting today, and many of you may not know already, the fair is going with “Beach Vibe in 2005” as its theme. The billboards I am seeing around town make it look like the fair’s mascot, KC the Bull, is about to ride a wave.

How does one ride a wave at the fair? How do you ride a wave in Bakersfield in general for that matter? And secondly, how does one even get a “beach vibe” at all from going to the fair?

I could possibly see people riding bulls at the fair or around Bakersfield, but definitely not waves. A better slogan could have possibly been “Riding High in 2005.” First of all, it is usually hot outside and the fair grounds reek of cow manure. As I pass through where all the animals are, I envision one of the cows as a juicy steak, yet still I want to puke from the stench of the cow manure.

As a child, I never even liked going to view the animals, not because I don’t like animals, but because the smell is atrocious.

Pat Griffin of Griffin Communications, the promoter of the fair, said fair management wanted a theme. She said there will be more water activities, and the decorations will have a beach theme. Griffin also said leis will be given to fairgoers at the entrance.

I guess I am supposed to feel as if I have entered the paradise that is Hawaii when I step into the fair. I don’t think I will get that feeling.

When I am thinking of getting a “beach vibe,” I am thinking of Pismo or San Diego. The last place I want to go for a beach vibe is the Kern County Fair. One can pretty much bet it will be at least 95 degrees for most of the day. The beach, at least in Southern California, normally hovers around a pleasant 70-degree range, which is rare in Bakersfield.

Swampmaster and his gators will be back this year. They could have been going for the feel of a Florida beach, which can be hot and humid at times. But the beaches there, as far as I know, don’t smell like gator manure, so that couldn’t be.

The fair, overall, will be the same as it is every year: expensive food, goofy exhibits and cow manure, with the exception of a few different B-rated artists playing at the Budweiser Pavilion.

For all the money people could spend at the fair, they could most likely afford to take a drive to a central coast beach and get a real beach vibe.