Through big black sunglasses and chain-smoking camel filters, I stare at les petites filles who strut around the Bakersfield College Campus Center, reviewing my master plan before the pounce and desperately hoping this hunt blooms fruits for my labor. It’s been three months since I have had a woman and I am starting to get the shakes.
My whole routine is in shambles due to failed attempts at courtships of hot tail. I have grown impatient, resulting in too many failures in a short amount of time, causing a break in confidence and severe frustration. I desperately pray for a miracle to heal my wounds, but in painful review I realize that my foundering is not due to my technique, but to the disregard of the modus operandi I have strived so long to perfect.
Initially, when I pick my target I start with basic observation. When you gaze upon le femme, do as if it is an act of lovemaking. As she chats, let your eyes become a slave to her body. Glide them gently along every curve and allow yourself to be caught, do not shy away from the odyssey that is her body.
Processing every detail of le beaute is of the utmost importance; the color of her hair, the fitting of her clothes, the amount of accessories she is adorning, the pace in which the time stopper walks-all these elements provide information on where to inquire, where to flatter and when not to talk about yourself.
The prime element of the courtship must always be her. Never over detail yourself in the conversation, all topics must come back to her. When you find relating interest between you and her, merely state a brief synopsis of your love for the subject. Do not elaborate on your successes with the topics; rather leave your work to the labor of impression.
When the conversation comes to names, make sure you recount hers with an air of pleasure. Let it dance along the length of your palate, say it as if it is a song. When your touch embraces hers, let it linger, slide the hand along the length of hers, grinning as if it’s an ecstasy all in its own.
Most importantly, you must always radiate confidence and patience. Do not look for pity points on your past failures, this is always a turn off to the fur, merely leave the snag up to your personality. Make sure every encounter is enjoyable to her. Smile much, laugh casually and she will come looking for you. When you part, emphasize how much of a pleasure it was to talk with her. Shoot for a number if you feel that the time between encounters will be too long to be comfortable, but do it in a calm casual manner.
The way in which I approach a potential love interest is all very hard-learned information to me. I had no guru to educate me in the discipline of love hunting. The long list of failed attempts collected in my youth serve as a textbook to my perverted desires, and I now stand in desperate review of my tactics- it seems that I have misplaced this holy tomb along the way.
It was a recent encounter with one lovely lady that precipitated my personal review. Long legged, slender framed, love radiating, time stopping, psychedelic wave riding, neon love child-the Cosmo-Mama strolled past me one evening on campus.
Wielding a Nikon Camera in calf long leather boots she stopped along the way to frame up a piece of modern architecture. She stood silhouetted along the horizon, stuck in that infamous pose that emphasizes the fun parts of a woman, taking long slow drags of menthol cigarettes, looking good while doing it. It was only natural to my senses that I stop and introduce myself.
I asked about her camera, being that I am a bit of a photographer myself; I then went on to blabber about knowledge of the device. I now know that this was an error, but at the time it was a necessary improvement enacted by the excitement of new game on campus.
Though, as sloppy as this greeting was, it did not hinder my future run-ins with mademoiselle Cosmo-Mama. As time passed, our rendezvous became more exciting as we began to warm up to each other. I desperately craved the Cosmo-Mama, wanting to gawk boldly at her as she chatted about her everyday doings.
One day we both skipped class and went on a psychedelic rocket-ride around Panorama Drive. We listened coolly to 60’s Surf Rock as we cruised in a BMW along the drive, chatting casually, relaxed in the moment. I cracked jokes, and relied on humble charm as I tried to erase the idea of strangers from our mind. Parting with her was difficult, but the world rarely stops and when it starts again you will find yourself lusting for that lucid dream.
As far as phone calls go, I do not follow any specific syntax for the first contact. I called her the coming Friday, but it was not returned. I texted her on a Monday and it was not returned. The absence in communication did not bother me but what did is that I find myself craving desperately for contact. Eventually she called and I called back and an intriguing game of phone tag ensued. Dates and times would be set up and I would be hopeful, smiling greatly even as the plans fell through. Phone texted pictures became a viewing past time to me, not quite understanding the game being played, but desperately wanting to play it.
It occurred to me on a Sunday that I was not the predator in this hunt-I was the prey. Delicate and deadly like a Venus Flytrap, I became intoxicated with pheromones of this Cosmo Mama; dancing my best as a jester, obedient like a monkey with a cigar.
Subtle like a sand trap, I had been lured by a femme fatale. The evening encounters outside the Renegade Rip room; the initial encounter in which stopped halfway in her trek, her flattery involving my writing-it is I who is the slave to premeditated plans. The mysteries of women are the songs of poets, the anger of tyrants and a gift from the gods.
As men, we can invent elaborate methods for attracting and courting a female, but in reality they always hold the upper hand. You can spill eloquent words that would impress even the like of Pablo Neruda, and you can flirt with other women in front of your target to prove your level of desirability, but in the end as a man you are still the puppet. They are the queens of this world and we are merely the amusement, and that’s what makes the game worth playing.