Bakersfield College will have a new president in the near future, and the Rip has decided to give the suits at the top our opinion on who should be selected for the much-esteemed position.
There is obviously an assortment of candidates to consider for the job, and it was mightily hard to narrow it down.
Let us start at the top of the totem pole.
Because of his position on the tips of everybody’s tongues, Rick Santorum was one of the first names to come up.
But, rest assured, he wasn’t considered for very long.
Poor Rick just couldn’t keep a lid on his fear and hatred of the Prince of Darkness recently. This can’t be a characteristic of our next president.
Someone who isn’t tight with the man downstairs will have a hard time getting anything done at the top.
Next, Hugo Chavez was considered, briefly.
But his unluckiness – you know, being on the brink of death and all – was his ultimate downfall.
So then we decided to move on to Hollywood.
Yes. BC is totally worthy of a movie star making key administrative choices for the collective student body.
Enter Brad Pitt.
Great resume. Great face. Everything you could want in a school president, right?
One problem: his significant other. Angelina Jolie can’t be trusted stalking the halls of the administrative building. It’ll be as if Hillary Clinton were elected president in 2008.
All right, enough negatives.
After going through the muck that was the list of candidates, we narrowed down our search to three reasonable persons.
Donald Trump. Nuff said.
Yeah, he easily managed the quickest ousting of all the terrible presidential candidates last year, and he may very well be the biggest jerk that ever existed, but he will always be the best at what we want our president to do the most: firing people!
Trump’s fire-red hair, and how it stands up ever so devilishly, is what we need sitting in the president’s office. That’s what bleeding BC red is all about.
Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul also made the list, and not because of his desire to balance a budget – any budget. Neither was he considered because he’ll restore student liberty to the BC campus. Paul made the list because of one attribute that will come in handy, especially for us.
Paul answers questions honestly and without fear of reproach (even if his answers are racist or condescending).
Call us homers, but that is exactly the kind of thing we want in a president.
The third and final candidate that made our final list is NBA commissioner David Stern.
Stern’s willingness to backstab anyone that stands in the way of his “duty” as commissioner makes him top-tier in our book.
Disregard the best team in the league wanting to get better if that makes our guy look bad. Have at ’em Stern.
In reality, these are all characteristics that the American people look for in their president, and we hope that the Kern Community College District treats the search a little more seriously.