There are a lot of little towns that make up the outskirts of Kern County. They all have their unique attractions and peculiarities to keep the citizens busy. By the same token, they are all very similar.
The most unifying feature among all of them is that they produce people who are tied to Bakersfield by proximity, but who are not defined by it.
Shafter
Sno Fun
101 Central Ave.
Sno Fun used to be the crown jewel of the Shafter Summer Hangout Trifecta. It stands alone as a monument to a forgotten era, because the other two landmarks, Front Row Pizza and Stringham Park have both fallen victim to development.
Sno Fun is such an important part of Shafter that their name is synonymous with their product. When Shafternians feel the heat of summer, they don’t say to one another, “Let’s go get some shaved ice!” Heck no, Shafternians say “Let’s go get a sno fun.”
Brookside Deli
123 Central Ave.
It’s not really by a brook; it’s by the tracks. But that adds to the atmosphere of this boutique-y sandwich shop. The service is quick, the girls are nice, and the price is reasonable.
The Canals
Okie skiing. If you grew up around canals, you know exactly what this means. It means waiting all winter for the next canal season to come around. It means buying booties and a wetsuit for riding during the winter.
It means trying to devise equipment that will keep the rope from dragging you toward the truck on shore as you are pulled at upward of 50 mph. It means getting trespassing tickets, getting chased by farmers and running from cops. It means getting excited when they release water from the dam at Lake Isabella so that the water is extra high. Mostly it means being able to have fun, no matter where you grew up.
Foxy Lady
308 State Ave.
The name sounds like a strip club, and maybe it is that misconception that leads to so much longing by the Shafter youth to get in.
Wasco
Wasco Union High School Auditorium
1900 Seventh Street
For all their faults (the main one being the actual building of Wasco Union High School), the Wascolian leaders of the past got one thing right, and that was building a very classy auditorium. Anyone who has had the pleasure of attending a concert there knows that the awesome acoustics are almost wasted on its location.
Blue Cube
747 Seventh St.
Sometimes I get to hankering for a teriyaki burger. The problem is, I know that I am going to spend about 20 minutes for those kids at Country Boy to get me my order. No more! It is worth venturing into the lion’s den that is Wasco in order to get a more punctual teriyaki burger that might just be better than the Country Boy version.
Amtrak Station
700 G St.
If you ever want to fulfill your Jack Kerouac fantasies by jumping a train at the dusty, lonesome Amtrak station in Wasco, you are on the right track.
It is a perfect setting for such a literary-based adventure. Just don’t take the train south, because having to stop in Bakersfield and ride a bus the rest of the way to Los Angeles really ruins the romance of the whole deal.
McFarland
Restaurant Familiar
105 W. Sherwood Ave.
They have a dish advertised on the window as “vampiros.” That’s right, don’t waste time thinking about it. Go inside and order one without even asking for a description, because just as your sweet vampire fantasy is coming to a close, they will give you a tortilla-wrapped surprise. Until that point, just let your imagination do the work, vampire lover.
Lupita’s Party Time
115 Kern Ave.
Star-shaped pi§atas are $9.99. If you want one shaped like a Power Ranger, it’s $12.99. That’s a small price to pay for taking your Margarita Monday party to the next level.
Old River
The Monte Carlo
Corner of Taft Highway and Old River Road
Old River is the best town to be from if you are going to write a country song about your hometown. Getting drunk at the Monte Carlo is probably the best place to actually write the song on a dirty, tear-stained napkin.
For those who are not going to be country singers, the Monte Carlo is a good place to cool off after taking your little skater brother up Taft to impress to skate park honeys.
Taft
Taft Skate Park
Corner of 10th and Kern Streets
Back in the ’80s there was this movie with Robin Williams and Kurt Russell called “Best of Times” about the Taft High/BHS football feud.
There needs to be a remake with a bunch of old school skaters going head to head for the glory of best skate town. Taft was definitely the first place in Kern County to have a decent skate park so their residents need to step up and keep the legacy going.
Pumpkin Center
Bugni Hardware and Feed
2612 Taft Highway
I wouldn’t really even mention this place if it weren’t for the gigantic metal sculpture of a horse that they apparently use as a doorstop for the fence to their yard. This thing is detailed, they even have a tiny metal sculpture of a rooster down by the hooves of the horse.
Buck’s Landscape Materials
2600 Taft Highway
Buck’s looks less like a landscape place and more like a beach club in Rosarito where you would want to throw a bachelor party.
Lamont
Root Beer King
11000 Main St.
One thing about having a really regal sounding name is that you have to back it up. The King of Root Beers should either be the guy who makes his own root beer, or serves a variety of delicious root beers from other brewers. That said, don’t go naming yourself the Root Beer King if you are only going to serve Mug Root Beer.
Lenny’s Pizza
10401 Main St.
Every one of these small towns has a version of Lenny’s Pizza. In Shafter, it is Tony’s Pizza, and in McFarland it is Maria’s. They all have the same features: named after someone, sassy girls behind the counter, and delicious, cheesy pizza.
Lenny’s is the winner of these because of the flaky crust and the massive patio.