College can be tough, even if you are attending “Harvard on the Hill,” and oftentimes one could use some guidance on how to make the best (or at least the tolerable) of an often discouraging, frightening and, let’s face it, sometimes all-around crappy situation we like to call post-secondary education.
Seeing as how I am an expert on everything and always tend to be right, I feel it is my duty to inform you, the hapless student, on ways to survive Bakersfield College. In fact, it would be cruel for me to allow you to continue walking around in your perpetual nightmare state.
Survival Tip No. 1: Take your education seriously
Fees may be only $11 per unit, but this can get pricey when you have a full load plus books that you may never use. Despite what several lifers will tell you, you really don’t want to be at BC for six-plus years. You don’t have to be a Boy Scout, but get your shit done and try not to make an ass of yourself. With hard work, forgiving professors and pure luck, you can be out of here in, let’s say, three years max, which is reasonable. (I say this because I’m probably looking at two and a half years myself and I want to feel better about my predicament.)
Survival Tip No. 2: Don’t make an ass out of youself
This ties in to Survival Tip No. 1. Sure, doing stupid things, especially illegal ones, and saying stupid things are occasionally entertaining, but only if you are doing it. If someone else is, you want to bash their head in. But remember, we are not in high school anymore. I never did any pointless shenanigans last year as a high school senior, so now I take every opportunity to act out my oppressed, teen angst and defy all authority, so occassionally I’ve found myself in situations where I say out loud, “Oh, I shouldn’t be doing this.”
However, I never get caught.
Survival Tip No. 3: Don’t get caught
If you must act out because you’re 18 and you don’t know what you want, or 46 and you know exactly what you want and hate what you actually get, just don’t get caught. Our campus police officers may seem friendly enough, but one false move from you on a morning when they haven’t had their donut with sprinkles and they can turn into lean, mean, billy-clubbing machines. Remember, Bobby Fuller was right: Sometimes you fight the law and the law wins (unless you run really fast or are able to drive a car like Steve McQueen in “Bullitt”). And another thing, don’t mess with other people’s shit, and when I say other people, I mean, of course, my shit. I don’t care what you do to yourself or your friends, but if you mess with my stuff and piss me off, I will eat your soul.
Survival Tip No. 4: Get plenty of sleep
This can usually be done in your boring classes since you were out all night trading philosophies with your friends and pounding some Heinekens or Mike’s Hard Lemonades. Use Survival Tip No. 2 though, and try not to be obvious if you find yourself drifting off during a lecture on the wonders of capitalism or human anatomy, because your professors are likely to kick your desk out from underneath your unsuspecting sleepy head.
My advice is to take a nap when you get home, or, gasp, go to bed earlier. I can’t decide which method is better since my brain has stoppped functioning from being so damn tired all of the freaking time.
Survival Tip No. 5: Try to be early
Or in any case, try to be on time. Actually, just don’t try to be late. Professors really hate this because a lot of times, they’re late as well and can’t accept the idea of youth being king.
Professor: “Well, it’s lovely to see you Ms. Garcia. I hope coming to class on time isn’t taking away from your social life or beauty sleep.”
Me: “No problem, Daddy-O. I actually intend to catch up on both of those things during class.”
If you’re going to bullshit your way through an excuse, be polite and preferably a damn good liar. For instance, when I walk in late, I usually have something brilliant planned, like “Hey, pops, did you know the sky is falling? It’s really starting to come down hard out there” or “Oh my God, did you guys just see that meteorite?” or even “Sorry teach, car trouble. Luckily, I hitched a ride with a biker named Pig Pen. He says I’m his old lady now. We’ve set the date for April 26.” Sometimes, instructors say they appreciate honesty, but those mofos will still mark you tardy.
Survival Tip No. 6: Don’t drink the water
It’s no secret that the water here often tastes like the creature from the Black Lagoon just rinsed off in it. It doesn’t help that each time I’m taking a drink, I hear one of the toilets flush from a nearby restroom. If you must, use the downstairs faucet in the library, but just stay away from the one in Campus Center. That stuff will kill you.
Sometimes, I bring my own water bottle from home. Even if it’s from my tap at home, I sleep better at night knowing that whatever parasites are living in my internal system are from my own water. Besides, the sea monkeys from my own tap are much nicer than BC’s.
Survival Tip No. 7: Make friends with the reference librarians
These people can be lifesavers, especially if you need 30 sources for a paper due tomorrow and haven’t bothered to learn hard-core MLA format. I give them bonus points for often speaking very slowly and in calm, soothing tones when they explain something to me. It’s nice to know they pick up on the panic in my eyes and chunks of hair missing from my head. And don’t assume they aren’t really professionals since their careers are based around, well, books, because some of them have various degrees in bookology (my scientific term for the study of books and screwing over college students).
Survival Tip No. 8: Don’t get caught having sex in the library
You’ll never get on the librarians’ good side if you are caught doing the hokey-pokey in one of the large rooms upstairs meant for studying. Although, what did they expect to happen? Having the signs read “Group Study” is false advertising. Many times it will seem tempting, but bookologists are far quicker than that. I have seen library faculty make the rounds upstairs, presumably checking for any loud talking, water bottles or foreplay.
My advice for not getting caught is to try the space right underneath the group study rooms’ window or maybe against the door. Hey, there’s always the bathrooms, although some of those I actually wouldn’t use to take a piss in, much less have a frolic in the Garden of Eden, so there’s always the back seat of your car (as long as you tell the other person you’ll still respect them in the morning), because as long as you aren’t parked illegally, you shouldn’t get a ticket.
Whatever you decide to do, just remember that putting a “Maid service requested” sign on the door handle is a dead giveaway of earthly pleasures occurring.
Survival Tip No. 9: Stop pawing each other (In fact, don’t even look at each other)
Now, I really don’t care if you do have a little rendezvous in the library as long as it’s not around me (I prefer 10 feet of personal space) or in an area where I may sit in in the near future. Public displays of affection were annoying as hell in high school and they still are. It’s even the same people doing it here: girls who have sunglasses and Roxy backpacks with punkster boyfriends who wear board brands even though they don’t skate or female fashion mavens in fuzzy sweaters and platforms they really can’t walk in with French manicures who have boyfriends driving them around in silver Civics or Impalas. Get a room for Christ’s sake, and if you happen to be in my way while you’re sucking face, I will give you both a swift kick in the pants. If you are going to do anything as a couple in public, at least have it be breaking up, so I can laugh really hard before I give you that kick in the pants.
Survival Tip No. 10: Go to class and actually do your work
Honestly, you won’t pass your classes (well, maybe you’ll pass the really easy ones) if you don’t actually show up. I was so used to coasting through my high school honors classes without blinking an eye that the idea of having to show up everyday, on time, was almost a slap in the face. If you don’t care about showing up every day, fine. Just don’t bitch about the grade you get because you will deserve it. It’s also a good idea to actually do your homework and study for exams. It’s really easy to go home and be distracted all day from doing absolutely nothing, and then keep asking yourself, “What was I supposed to do today? Oh, that’s right, everything that I was supposed to do last week!” If you fall behind, it can be hard to get out of a rut unless your instructor takes cash and checks for bribery. Always plan ahead. Checks can and will bounce.
Survival Tip No. 11: Beware of the BC kitties
My fellow intrepid reporter Jessica offers this advice and with good reason. These kitties are a present from Satan, and if they could walk upright, I’m pretty sure they would take over the world. There are people on this campus who love these furry little gnomes, so I also would advise you not to deliberately show your dislike for the cats in front of them. Many of these “little love muffins” can do some serious damage. I cannot tell you how many times I have been innocently walking to the parking lot and suddenly been attacked by a bipolar kitty hurling itself through the air, causing me to slip into my Vietnam paranoia, do a 007 roll on the ground and run to my car with the cats still in pursuit. Don’t ever assume you are safe. These things work in packs, waiting for students who appear to be weak to come along, ready for the kill. Remember, they smell fear, damn it.
Survival Tip No. 12: Embrace your geekiness – life gets better when you do
Believe it or not, there are people who can’t wait to come to school to hang out in Campus Center all damn day. Many of these people seem very nice, but it makes you wonder, doesn’t it? There are also people who sit and play card games for hours. I’m not saying “Dungeons & Dragons” is lame, I just worry these people will someday look back at their youth and realize they wasted a little bit too much of it pretending to be a magical elf or whatever.
Just be careful, because the same shits who thought they were all that in high school still think that, and the same girls who hated you occasionally walk down the hall and give you a fake smile. Just keep this in mind: There are plenty of better spaces to hide the bodies at BC than at any high school in Bakersfield.
Survival Tip No. 13: Have fun, damn it
Anyone who said high school is the best time of your life was wrong. College should be the time to break on through to the other side. Devote time to your studies, and be polite to your professors, but remember, all work and no play makes us all dull, dull boys and girls.